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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Prince Rilian's LiveJournal:

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Monday, August 22nd, 2016
9:20 am
big blue wave, jason
I'm listening to big blue wave.
Shortly after kamberly gave us the netflix thing, I set it up and listened to big blue wave on the tv. But a few seconds into the song, jason started yelling and then my mom went to talk to him and he said the music was too loud. even though it was the same volume we always watched tv at. I turned it down, and he yelled "turn it off, turn it off" and my mom made me fucking turn it off.
Now when I listen to that song I'm always afraid he's going to start yelling.
Saturday, April 9th, 2016
12:32 am
depression anxiety bugs
This looks way different than the last time I wrote here. I don't like it.

I haven't written in a journal much because I post a lot on facebook. I put all my thoughts there, or I hangouts them to one person, so posting in a journal, also writing in a notebook like I used to a long time ago before the internet was a thing in my life, is not necessary. I remember a time, I don't remember when, that I wanted to write in a notebook and I couldn't think of anything to say, although that wasn't because of the internet just because I was depressed and all my thoughts seemed stupid.

I mostly just sit on this couch, because it's kind of like my first semester at tarleton, well the first half of the semester when I lived with mary beth, when I didn't want to be observed, was afraid I was doing something wrong all the time. I don't think THAT much that adrien is judging me but I think james is. And add to that the laziness and depression of many years, it's like default to just keep sitting on this couch, I want to get back to how I was when I was a kid, I want to go back to that for a while because I can't remember how to be that way, but that's impossible to do. I was kind of sad and bored when we moved to VA besides the fact that I missed my frinds, it was just boring there, there was no playground and no other kids, till I met aunna victoria and elaina. not that they were great. but i was used to making friends with everyone, regardless of how nice or interesting they were, and so I did that and also they were the only ones and I was excited to meet some people. These days I feel like there's nothing to do and somehow I'm less well equipped to deal with that. I was bored and lonely in VA even when I was with them because they were terrible friends, but I rode around on my bike and talked stories to myself. I guess I need a bike. But a nice thing about Hampden-Syndey was that it was a big area with lots of sidewalks and few cars. I could ride a bike there. Like I could in the apartment complex in austin. But here? I have no idea where to even ride. At school, there are hardly even any sidewalks. But then I also fear that things aren't really that much worse but that I see them as worse because I'm depressed. Tarleton wasn't that great but I managed to ride my bike around there for the one day until the seat came loose. And I didn't have tools to fix it and riding standing up was tiring so I never rode the bike again and then to transport it to little rock we had to take the handle bars off and I didn't know how to put them back on and we didn't have tools and the seat was messed up andso the sort of fear of the work that I maybe couldn't do held me back from doing anything at all also including because i would have needed my mom's help and it's hard to get her to do things, so I just never tried and now the bike it all rusted and probably trash. but adrien has a bike here that he said i could use. so i could try that one. maybe even get it fixed, because he said there was something wrong with the gear shift or whatever you call that.

I have a list of things I need to do in my notebook which is somewhere. And add to that, I need to debug this apartment and I need to do my stupid math homework and I need to blow my nose and I'm hungry. I have partially debugged the apartment. But adrien and james seem reluctant to help. I feel bad about asking adrien because he has a job, and james seems to get really annoyed when I ask him for help. And also I feel like they're both annoyed that I want to do anything at all, but james also said he doesn't even want to live here anymore because of the bugs so i'd expect him to support my efforts to get rid of them.

I cleaned out one cabinet although it wasn't actually clean at the end of that, and we moved not-really-clean dishes into it, and I killed the bugs behind the plastic shelves that are like the shelves I used to have that I had to abandon somewhere where I can maybe still potentially get them back from.

So what next? If I weren't afraid of the bugs touching me I would wash all the dishes myself. But I don't want the bugs to touch me. So I think I will look in that one other cabinet again and see if more bugs have appeared and if so spray more raid. If not, I don't know if I can vacuum, because I have to stay away from the counter where there are bugs hanging out. Actually first I will see if there are bugs hanging out places where I can spray them without spraying food or dishes.
Monday, February 17th, 2014
3:27 pm
why is there turkish at the top of the page?
Instead of post or update, it says gönder, etc. How why? my fb is in turkish but that's not connected with lj?

anyway I don't remember how long it's been since I posted here. there's too many things online to keep track of. I mis squthreer. This class is boring and I'm so sick of being in college. So how about I switch to hating a job instead. Teacher seems like the best job because there are fewer hours you have to be somewhere. I don't want to do ANYTHING for 8 hours a day. OK, that's not true, there's some things I could stand, but I'm not sure what they are or how to make them into jobs.

so I'm gonna apply at freaking fis. i guess. i need to make a resume....
Thursday, July 18th, 2013
10:11 pm
whatever sappho
C. Does Sappho’s lack of interest in matters of war and conquest reflect a feminine view or is it that hers is an altogether different value system? If the latter, what is the basis for that opposing system of values?

Assuming Sappho was writing only because she wanted to, and not because she was being coerced into it, like someone is right now, she probably, like any person, wrote about things that were on her mind a lot, probably things that were important to her. So probably things that were going on in her life or things she wished for. If she wrote about different things than other people, that suggests that her life was different than theirs.
8:42 pm
barf essay barf
C. Does Sappho’s lack of interest in matters of war and conquest reflect a feminine view or is it that hers is an altogether different value system? If the latter, what is the basis for that opposing system of values?

I will interpret this question to mean, "Why is sappho such a freak, never writing about war the way "all" the other writers at her time/place did?"

How the hell should I know? But I see no evidence that it had anything to do with her genitals.
Maybe war just wasn't a big deal where she lived. Maybe they had a different culture there. If I wrote a story, there wouldn't be any football in it, even though I know football exists, because it's not a big part of my life. There wouldn't be any war in my story either because war isn't a big part of my life. I know it happens, but it doesn't happen near me, so I've got other things on my mind.







E. Discuss how the tragedy Oedipus the King reflects on how effective a person can be in assisting his community when (1.) he is perceived as an outsider, and (2.) he perceives of himself as one.


It's easier to clean someone else's house than your own. Maybe it's like that. I don't think being perceived as an outsider by others helps, though.








F. How does virtually everyone in the story of Oedipus as Sophocles tells it contribute to the unfolding tragedy that ultimately destroys a royal house and nearly destroys an entitre city? What might Sophocles' point be?


They don't contribute, it's all the god's fault. If sophocles had a point, he failed to communicate it.












these are my options for the essay
due at 11:30
Saturday, February 23rd, 2013
5:53 pm
So a friend of mine previously said that he liked me (as a friend) and as part of another conversation stated that we had an emotional connection. But since then he has started saying he is "indifferent" when I ask him to hang out. It's been a few days or a couple of weeks since he initiated a hanging out with me. He seems less interactive in general. It wasn't just what he said but also his behaviour that made me think we were actually friends. Anyway, I suppose it could be that he doesn't like me anymore. Or it could be that he is depressed. I'm not sure what else it could be. Either one of those would be upsetting. I don't know what to do.
Tuesday, January 29th, 2013
10:39 am
hello world
python:
print "hello world"

C:
#include
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<stdio.h>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

python:
print "hello world"

C:
#include <stdio.h>

int main(){
printf("hello world\n");
return 0;
}

fortran:
PROGRAM HelloWorld
PRINT *, "Hello World"
END PROGRAM HelloWorld
Sunday, January 27th, 2013
2:46 pm
TCCTUN
4S TCC
4S TCC
4F TCC
5S TCC
5S N
5F T
6S T
6S N
6F U
7S T
7S T/U
7F T
8S T
8S U
8F T
9S T
9S U
9F U
0S T
0S T
0F U
1S U
1S N
1F N
2S N
2S N
2F U
3S U

TCC 4
N 6
T 9.5
U 8.5
Saturday, November 17th, 2012
11:41 pm
vegan Z
Zucchini & Tomatoes (75 grams) Contains soy
50 45 5g 8% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 250mg 10% 3g 1% < 1g 4% 2g 1g 15% 20% 2% 2%
Zucchini & Yellow Squash (49 grams) Contains soy
50 40 4.5g 7% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 240mg 10% 2g 1% < 1g 4% 1g 1g 10% 10% 2% 2%
Zucchini Saute (113 grams)
60 35 4g 6% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 135mg 6% 4g 1% 1g 4% 2g 1g 25% 25% 4% 4%
11:40 pm
vegan I-Y
Indian Spinach (114 grams) Contains soy
80 35 4g 6% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 280mg 12% 10g 3% 3g 12% 3g 3g 130% 25% 10% 15%
Indian Spinach (85 grams) Contains soy
60 25 3g 5% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 210mg 9% 7g 2% 2g 8% 3g 2g 90% 20% 8% 10%
Italian Green Beans (113 grams)
30 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 7g 2% 3g 12% 1g 2g 15% 8% 6% 4%
Italian Vegetable Blend (88 grams)
35 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 30mg 1% 7g 2% 2g 8% 1g 2g 40% 15% 2% 2%
Jasmine Rice (85 grams)
110 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 24g 8% 0g 0% 0g 2g 0% 0% 2% 2%
Jasmine Rice (85 grams)
100 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 22g 7% 0g 0% 0g 2g 0% 0% 2% 2%
Leaf Spinach (28 grams)
10 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 25mg 1% 1g 0% 1g 4% 0g 1g 70% 2% 4% 4%
Lentils and Swiss Chard (136 grams)
120 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 700mg 29% 22g 7% 8g 32% 3g 9g 60% 15% 6% 20%
Madras Alu (114 grams) Contains milk
140 50 6g 9% 2g 10% 0g 10mg 3% 540mg 23% 21g 7% 2g 8% 2g 3g 6% 20% 2% 6%
Medium Grain Rice (85 grams)
140 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 30g 10% < 1g 4% 0g 3g 0% 0% 2% 10%
Mesquite Spiced Roasted Potatoes (142 grams) Contains soy
170 45 5g 8% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 60mg 3% 28g 9% 3g 12% 2g 2g 2% 20% 2% 2%
Mexican Medley (85 grams)
60 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 190mg 8% 13g 4% 3g 12% 3g 3g 8% 30% 2% 4%
Napa Valley Garden Vegetables (114 grams)
60 30 3.5g 5% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 15mg 1% 7g 2% 2g 8% 3g 2g 80% 10% 2% 6%
Napa Valley Steamed Vegetables (113 grams)
40 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 40mg 2% 10g 3% 4g 16% 4g 1g 250% 50% 4% 4%
Okai (Rice Gruel) (113 grams)
130 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 29g 10% < 1g 4% 0g 2g 0% 0% 2% 10%
Orzo with Eggplant & Red Pepper (113 grams) Contains wheat
190 100 11g 17% 1.5g 8% 0g 0mg 0% 330mg 14% 20g 7% 1g 4% 2g 4g 10% 30% 2% 6%
Oven Roast Garlic Red Potatoes (114 grams)
140 45 5g 8% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 190mg 8% 22g 7% 2g 8% 1g 2g 0% 25% 2% 2%
Oven Roast Herbed Red Potatoes (113 grams)
140 45 5g 8% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 190mg 8% 22g 7% 2g 8% 1g 2g 4% 25% 2% 4%
Oven Roast Rosemary Red Potatoes (113 grams)
120 25 2.5g 4% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 200mg 8% 23g 8% 2g 8% 1g 2g 0% 25% 2% 4%
Oven Roasted Butternut Squash (113 grams)
60 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 160mg 7% 12g 4% 4g 16% 2g 1g 250% 30% 6% 4%
Oven Roasted Potato Wedges (92 grams) Contains soy
90 0 0.5g 1% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 18g 6% 2g 8% < 1g 2g 0% 10% 2% 2%
Pearl Onions (86 grams)
25 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 10mg 0% 6g 2% 2g 8% 3g 1g 2% 4% 2% 2%
Peas & Carrots (113 grams)
60 0 0.5g 1% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 75mg 3% 12g 4% 5g 20% 5g 3g 220% 10% 4% 8%
Peas & Mushrooms (85 grams) Contains soy
60 0 0.5g 1% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 55mg 2% 11g 4% 4g 16% 4g 4g 30% 15% 2% 8%
Pinto Beans (116 grams)
130 0 0.5g 1% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 24g 8% 8g 32% 0g 8g 0% 2% 4% 10%
Polenta with Caramelized Onions (77 grams)
90 30 3.5g 5% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 250mg 10% 13g 4% < 1g 4% < 1g 1g 2% 2% 0% 2%
Pulao Rice (77 grams)
110 15 1.5g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 125mg 5% 23g 8% 0g 0% 0g 2g 0% 0% 2% 8%
Pulao Rice with Fruit and Nuts (95 grams) Contains tree nuts
140 25 2.5g 4% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 125mg 5% 27g 9% 1g 4% 3g 3g 2% 2% 2% 10%
Pulao Rice with Peas (99 grams)
140 15 1.5g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 170mg 7% 29g 10% 1g 4% 0g 3g 4% 2% 2% 10%
Quinoa with Squash, Tomatoes and Basil (114 grams)
140 70 8g 12% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 110mg 5% 16g 5% 2g 8% 2g 3g 10% 15% 2% 6%
Ratatouille (114 grams)
50 25 2.5g 4% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 250mg 10% 8g 3% 2g 8% 4g 1g 10% 45% 2% 4%
Red Potatoes (113 grams)
100 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 23g 8% 2g 8% 1g 2g 0% 25% 2% 2%
Roasted Asparagus (113 grams) Contains soy
30 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 15mg 1% 5g 2% 2g 8% 1g 3g 25% 15% 4% 6%
Roasted Balsamic Brussels Sprouts (114 grams)
80 35 4g 6% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 15mg 1% 10g 3% 4g 16% 3g 4g 20% 80% 4% 4%
Roasted Beets (57 grams)
50 25 3g 5% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 40mg 2% 5g 2% 1g 4% 4g 1g 0% 4% 2% 2%
Roasted Butternut Squash with Thyme (115 grams)
110 45 5g 8% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 250mg 10% 17g 6% 5g 20% 3g 2g 360% 40% 8% 6%
Roasted Carrots (114 grams) Contains soy
80 25 3g 5% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 90mg 4% 13g 4% 5g 20% 6g 1g 520% 10% 6% 4%
Roasted Corn On The Cob (71 grams) Contains soy
120 70 8g 12% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 120mg 5% 14g 5% 2g 8% 3g 2g 6% 10% 2% 4%
Roasted Eggplant (128 grams)
50 0 0.5g 1% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 11g 4% 3g 12% 4g 1g 2% 4% 2% 2%
Roasted Eggplant (113 grams)
160 130 14g 22% 1.5g 8% 0g 0mg 0% 85mg 4% 9g 3% 2g 8% 4g 1g 2% 2% 2% 2%
Roasted Fennel (28 grams)
15 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 20mg 1% 2g 1% < 1g 4% 0g 0g 2% 6% 2% 2%
Roasted Garlic & Oregano Potatoes (113 grams)
140 45 5g 8% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 190mg 8% 22g 7% 2g 8% < 1g 2g 0% 25% 2% 2%
Roasted Julienne Vegetables (84 grams)
20 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 60mg 3% 4g 1% 1g 4% 2g 1g 20% 90% 2% 4%
Roasted Old & New World Vegetables (114 grams)
100 60 7g 11% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 140mg 6% 9g 3% 2g 8% 3g 1g 60% 50% 4% 4%
Roasted Plum Tomatoes (85 grams)
15 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 120mg 5% 3g 1% < 1g 4% 2g 1g 2% 15% 4% 4%
Roasted Portobello (28 grams)
25 20 2g 3% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 10mg 0% 2g 1% < 1g 4% < 1g 1g 0% 2% 0% 4%
Roasted Red Bliss Potatoes (113 grams)
120 25 3g 5% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 125mg 5% 22g 7% 2g 8% 1g 2g 0% 25% 2% 2%
Roasted Red Potatoes with Rosemary (115 grams)
140 45 5g 8% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 190mg 8% 22g 7% 2g 8% 1g 2g 0% 25% 2% 4%
Roasted Root Vegetables (213 grams)
110 0 0.5g 1% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 45mg 2% 25g 8% 5g 20% 9g 3g 290% 35% 6% 6%
Roasted Sweet Potatoes (28 grams) Contains soy
25 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 40mg 2% 5g 2% < 1g 4% 2g 0g 90% 6% 2% 2%
Roasted Vegetables (113 grams)
60 25 3g 5% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 7g 2% 2g 8% 4g 1g 30% 110% 2% 4%
Roasted Vegetables (85 grams)
40 20 2g 3% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 75mg 3% 5g 2% 1g 4% 3g 1g 25% 80% 2% 2%
Roasted Vegetables (28 grams) Contains soy
10 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 60mg 3% 2g 1% 0g 0% < 1g 0g 8% 20% 0% 2%
Roasted Winter Vegetables (113 grams)
90 50 6g 9% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 65mg 3% 9g 3% 2g 8% 4g 1g 130% 30% 4% 4%
Roasted Yellow Squash (113 grams)
60 40 4.5g 7% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 25mg 1% 4g 1% 1g 4% 3g 1g 25% 20% 2% 2%
Roasted Zucchini (113 grams)
170 160 18g 28% 1.5g 8% 0g 0mg 0% 105mg 4% 3g 1% < 1g 4% 2g 1g 20% 20% 2% 2%
Saffron Rice (114 grams)
180 50 6g 9% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 65mg 3% 29g 10% 0g 0% 0g 2g 0% 2% 2% 2%
Sauteed Cherry Tomatoes with Pine Nuts (114 grams) Contains tree nuts
120 100 11g 17% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 240mg 10% 5g 2% 1g 4% 3g 2g 15% 20% 2% 4%
Sauteed Garlic Mushrooms (113 grams)
130 110 12g 18% 1.5g 8% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 7g 2% 2g 8% 3g 2g 2% 15% 2% 10%
Sauteed Garlic Mushrooms w/Onion (113 grams) Contains soy
120 90 10g 15% 1.5g 8% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 7g 2% 2g 8% 3g 2g 2% 15% 2% 10%
Sauteed Mushrooms (28 grams)
20 15 1.5g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 1g 0% < 1g 4% < 1g 1g 0% 2% 0% 4%
Sauteed Peppers and Onions (28 grams)
20 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 2g 1% 0g 0% 1g 0g 2% 20% 0% 2%
Sauteed Peppers and Onions (28 grams)
20 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 3g 1% 0g 0% 1g 0g 4% 25% 2% 2%
Sauteed Portobello Mushrooms (28 grams)
25 20 2g 3% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 40mg 2% 1g 0% < 1g 4% < 1g 1g 0% 2% 0% 4%
Sauteed Shiitake Mushrooms (28 grams)
25 15 1.5g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 40mg 2% 4g 1% < 1g 4% 1g 0g 0% 0% 0% 2%
Sauteed Spinach (113 grams)
45 25 2.5g 4% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 420mg 18% 4g 1% 3g 12% 0g 3g 180% 20% 15% 20%
Sauteed Spinach w/Red Onion & Garlic (115 grams)
50 20 2g 3% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 240mg 10% 7g 2% 2g 8% 2g 3g 170% 15% 10% 15%
Sauteed Zucchini with Walnuts (113 grams) Contains tree nuts
100 80 9g 14% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 160mg 7% 4g 1% 2g 8% 2g 2g 20% 20% 4% 4%
Sautéed Peppers & Onions (29 grams)
20 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 2g 1% 0g 0% 1g 0g 2% 25% 0% 2%
Savory Black-Eyed Peas with Cumin (114 grams) Contains soy
70 25 2.5g 4% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 370mg 15% 9g 3% 3g 12% 2g 3g 2% 2% 2% 6%
Scandinavian Mixed Vegetables (85 grams)
40 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 60mg 3% 8g 3% 3g 12% 2g 2g 45% 10% 2% 4%
Scandinavian Mixed Vegetables (85 grams)
35 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 55mg 2% 7g 2% 3g 12% 2g 2g 40% 8% 2% 4%
Sesame Ginger Green Beans (111 grams) Contains soy
80 50 6g 9% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 8g 3% 3g 12% 1g 2g 10% 8% 6% 6%
Sherried Mushrooms (113 grams)
100 70 8g 12% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 260mg 11% 7g 2% 2g 8% 2g 2g 6% 15% 2% 10%
Skillet Sweet Potatoes (141 grams)
120 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 330mg 14% 28g 9% 3g 12% 14g 2g 290% 50% 6% 8%
Sliced Fresh Carrots (113 grams)
40 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 65mg 3% 9g 3% 3g 12% 4g 1g 390% 8% 4% 2%
Sliced Steamed Carrots (113 grams)
40 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 65mg 3% 9g 3% 4g 16% 5g 1g 380% 4% 4% 4%
Slow Cooked Red Beans (114 grams)
100 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 330mg 14% 17g 6% 5g 20% 0g 6g 2% 4% 6% 10%
Soy Roasted Squash (85 grams) Contains wheat, soy
70 30 3.5g 5% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 330mg 14% 9g 3% 3g 12% 2g 2g 170% 20% 6% 6%
Spanish Style Garbanzo Beans (122 grams)
140 45 5g 8% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 370mg 15% 20g 7% 4g 16% 2g 4g 15% 50% 4% 8%
Spinach & Tomatoes (64 grams) Contains soy
50 40 4.5g 7% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 260mg 11% 3g 1% 1g 4% 1g 1g 50% 15% 4% 6%
Steamed Broccoli & Cauliflower (114 grams)
35 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 30mg 1% 6g 2% 3g 12% 2g 2g 20% 100% 4% 4%
Steamed Cauliflower (91 grams)
15 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 15mg 1% 3g 1% 2g 8% 1g 2g 0% 45% 2% 2%
Steamed Corn (79 grams)
60 0 0.5g 1% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 15g 5% 2g 8% 2g 2g 4% 6% 0% 2%
Steamed Fresh Broccoli (113 grams)
40 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 45mg 2% 8g 3% 4g 16% 2g 3g 35% 120% 6% 4%
Steamed Fresh Spinach (113 grams)
25 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 90mg 4% 4g 1% 3g 12% 0g 3g 210% 50% 10% 15%
Steamed Frozen French Green Beans (113 grams)
30 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 7g 2% 3g 12% 1g 2g 15% 8% 6% 4%
Sticky Rice (114 grams)
210 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 47g 16% < 1g 4% 0g 4g 0% 0% 2% 15%
Succotash (105 grams)
100 0 0.5g 1% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 140mg 6% 20g 7% 4g 16% 2g 5g 4% 8% 2% 8%
Summer Squash (114 grams)
20 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 4g 1% 1g 4% 2g 1g 25% 25% 2% 2%
Sweet Potato Fries (114 grams) Contains wheat, soy
230 130 14g 22% 1.5g 8% 0g 0mg 0% 1360mg 57% 25g 8% 3g 12% 11g 1g 180% 10% 4% 4%
Tomato Onion Saute (57 grams)
40 25 3g 5% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 95mg 4% 3g 1% < 1g 4% 2g 1g 6% 10% 2% 2%
Tostones (85 grams) Contains soy
380 280 31g 48% 5g 25% 0g 0mg 0% 25mg 1% 29g 10% 2g 8% 13g 1g 15% 15% 0% 4%
Turkish Bulgur Pilaf with Garbanzo Beans (283 grams) Contains wheat
470 120 13g 20% 2g 10% 0g 0mg 0% 610mg 25% 81g 27% 19g 76% 5g 14g 15% 30% 8% 20%
Turnips with Garden Vegetables (114 grams)
30 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 50mg 2% 7g 2% 3g 12% 3g 1g 90% 10% 4% 4%
Vegetarian Refried Beans (121 grams)
150 15 1.5g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 500mg 21% 25g 8% 9g 36% 0g 9g 0% 2% 6% 10%
Whole Green Beans (113 grams)
30 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 7g 2% 3g 12% 1g 2g 15% 8% 6% 4%
Whole Wheat Spaghetti (75 grams) Contains wheat
45 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 10g 3% 1g 4% 0g 2g 0% 0% 2% 2%
Yucca con Mojo (114 grams)
210 60 7g 11% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 280mg 12% 36g 12% 2g 8% 2g 1g 2% 30% 2% 2%
Zucchini & Tomatoes (113 grams)
60 35 4g 6% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 380mg 16% 5g 2% 1g 4% 3g 1g 15% 20% 4% 2%
11:32 pm
vegan A-H
Alu Chole (113 grams)
Asian Green Rice (113 grams) Contains soy
Asian Noodles (113 grams)
Aztec Corn (113 grams)
Baingan Bharta - North Indian Eggplant (150 grams)
Baked Fries (113 grams)
Baked Potato (144 grams)
Baked Potato (172 grams)
Baked Potato (287 grams)
Baked Potatoes (172 grams)
Baked Sweet Potato (134 grams) Contains soy
Balsamic Herb Roasted Vegetables (85 grams)
Balsamic Roasted Vegetables (85 grams)
Bandito Beans (108 grams)
Barley (450 grams)
Basmati Rice (113 grams)
Basmati Rice with Vermicelli (113 grams) Contains wheat, soy
Biryani Rice (113 grams)
Bok Choy & Shiitake Mushroom Stir Fry (114 grams)
Bok Choy Stir Fry (142 grams)
Borracho Beans (99 grams) Contains soy
Broccoli Raab with Garlic (57 grams)
Broccoli w/ Olives & Sun Dried Tomatoes (114 grams)
Brown Rice (112 grams)
Brussels Sprouts with Onion & Mushroom (114 grams)
Bulgar Wheat (106 grams) Contains wheat
Cafe Roasted Potatoes (113 grams)
Cajun Roasted Vegetables (84 grams)
Cajun Spiced Roasted Potatoes (85 grams) Contains soy
California Mixed Vegetables (113 grams)
Cantonese Stir-Fry with Snow Peas (86 grams) Contains wheat, soy
Caribbean Spiced Roasted Potatoes (142 grams) Contains soy
Carrot and Celery Stir Fry (109 grams)
Chana Masala (126 grams)
Chili Spiced Roasted Potatoes (142 grams) Contains soy
Chipotle Lime Portobello Mushrooms (28 grams)
30 25 2.5g 4% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 20mg 1% 1g 0% < 1g 4% < 1g 1g 0% 4% 0% 2%
Cilantro Basmati Rice (114 grams)
140 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 200mg 8% 31g 10% < 1g 4% 0g 3g 6% 8% 2% 2%
Cooked Quinoa (258 grams)
280 40 4.5g 7% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 10mg 0% 49g 16% 5g 20% 0g 11g 0% 0% 4% 20%
Corn on the Cob (89 grams)
80 0 0.5g 1% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 20g 7% 3g 12% 3g 3g 4% 8% 0% 4%
Country Kitchen Vegetables (97 grams)
45 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 25mg 1% 11g 4% 2g 8% 3g 2g 25% 8% 2% 2%
Dhingri Matar and Tofu Curry (148 grams) Contains soy
100 50 6g 9% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 100mg 4% 8g 3% 2g 8% 4g 4g 10% 15% 4% 10%
Ditalini (85 grams) Contains wheat
160 0 0.5g 1% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 32g 11% 1g 4% 1g 6g 0% 0% 2% 8%
Eggplant with Tomato & Onion (114 grams)
70 30 3.5g 5% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 200mg 8% 10g 3% 3g 12% 4g 1g 8% 20% 4% 6%
Escarole Sauteed in Garlic Oil (115 grams)
110 100 11g 17% 1.5g 8% 0g 0mg 0% 440mg 18% 4g 1% 3g 12% 0g 1g 45% 10% 6% 6%
French Fries with Ketchup (28 grams) Contains soy
60 25 3g 5% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 170mg 7% 7g 2% 0g 0% 2g 0g 2% 4% 0% 2%
French Green Beans & Carrot Medley (85 grams)
30 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 25mg 1% 7g 2% 3g 12% 2g 1g 150% 10% 4% 2%
Fresh Asparagus Spears (85 grams)
20 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 10mg 0% 4g 1% 2g 8% 1g 2g 15% 10% 2% 4%
Fresh Broccoli (28 grams)
10 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 50mg 2% 2g 1% < 1g 4% 0g 1g 4% 40% 2% 2%
Fresh Broccoli (113 grams)
40 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 45mg 2% 8g 3% 4g 16% 2g 3g 35% 120% 6% 4%
Fresh Broccoli Florets (113 grams)
40 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 45mg 2% 8g 3% 4g 16% 2g 3g 35% 120% 6% 4%
Fresh Cabbage Wedge (92 grams)
20 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 5mg 0% 5g 2% 2g 8% 3g 1g 2% 60% 4% 2%
Fresh Cauliflower (99 grams)
25 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 15mg 1% 4g 1% 2g 8% 2g 2g 0% 70% 2% 2%
Fresh French Green Beans (85 grams)
30 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 7g 2% 3g 12% 1g 2g 10% 15% 4% 4%
Fresh Green Beans (85 grams)
30 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 7g 2% 3g 12% 1g 2g 15% 15% 4% 4%
Fresh Roasted Beets (57 grams)
60 30 3.5g 5% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 50mg 2% 7g 2% 1g 4% 5g 1g 0% 4% 2% 4%
Fresh Snow Pea Pods (113 grams)
45 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 8g 3% 3g 12% 5g 4g 25% 90% 6% 10%
Fresh Spinach with Garlic (113 grams)
45 25 2.5g 4% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 420mg 18% 4g 1% 3g 12% 0g 3g 180% 20% 15% 20%
Fresh Steamed Asparagus (92 grams)
20 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 15mg 1% 4g 1% 2g 8% 1g 2g 20% 10% 2% 4%
Fresh Sugar Snap Peas (113 grams)
45 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 8g 3% 3g 12% 5g 4g 25% 90% 6% 10%
Fresh Zucchini with Garlic & Basil (113 grams)
60 45 5g 8% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 280mg 12% 3g 1% 1g 4% 2g 1g 25% 25% 2% 4%
Fresh Zucchini with Mint (114 grams)
50 35 4g 6% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 280mg 12% 3g 1% 1g 4% 2g 1g 25% 25% 4% 4%
Fried Green Tomatoes (122 grams) Contains soy
70 25 2.5g 4% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 500mg 21% 12g 4% 2g 8% 5g 2g 15% 45% 2% 6%
Fried Grit Cake with Red Onion (146 grams)
220 90 10g 15% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 240mg 10% 31g 10% 3g 12% 2g 3g 4% 4% 2% 10%
Fried Plantains (85 grams) Contains soy
160 70 8g 12% 1.5g 8% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 24g 8% 2g 8% 11g 1g 15% 15% 0% 4%
Garlic Lemon Ginger Broccoli (114 grams) Contains wheat, soy
70 30 3.5g 5% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 210mg 9% 8g 3% 3g 12% 2g 3g 30% 110% 6% 4%
Garlic Sauteed Broccoli Raab (115 grams)
130 60 7g 11% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 340mg 14% 16g 5% 7g 28% 4g 5g 80% 300% 8% 8%
Garlic Spinach with Pine Nuts & Raisins (113 grams) Contains tree nuts
170 110 12g 18% 1.5g 8% 0g 0mg 0% 230mg 10% 14g 5% 5g 20% 5g 6g 280% 8% 20% 15%
Ginger Carrots with Peanuts (113 grams) Contains peanuts
100 50 6g 9% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 150mg 6% 10g 3% 4g 16% 4g 2g 350% 8% 4% 4%
Ginger Mango Roasted Potatoes (113 grams)
100 25 3g 5% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 80mg 3% 19g 6% 3g 12% 7g 2g 280% 30% 4% 4%
Ginger Sesame Sugar Snap Peas (113 grams) Contains wheat, soy
120 50 6g 9% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 450mg 19% 14g 5% 3g 12% 10g 4g 20% 70% 6% 10%
Ginger Snow Peas (85 grams)
35 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 6g 2% 2g 8% 3g 3g 15% 70% 4% 10%
Great Northern Beans (85 grams)
100 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 18g 6% 6g 24% 0g 7g 0% 2% 6% 10%
Greek Roasted Potatoes (143 grams)
180 70 8g 12% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 500mg 21% 26g 9% 2g 8% 1g 2g 0% 20% 2% 4%
Greek Spinach (85 grams)
60 35 4g 6% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 410mg 17% 5g 2% 2g 8% 1g 2g 120% 15% 10% 10%
Green Beans with Oregano (114 grams)
30 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 7g 2% 3g 12% 1g 2g 15% 8% 6% 4%
Green Peas (113 grams)
90 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 80mg 3% 16g 5% 6g 24% 5g 6g 50% 20% 4% 10%
Grilled Curried Eggplant (28 grams)
15 0 0.5g 1% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 115mg 5% 3g 1% < 1g 4% < 1g 0g 2% 2% 0% 2%
Grilled Eggplant (28 grams)
20 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 5mg 0% 2g 1% < 1g 4% < 1g 0g 0% 2% 0% 2%
Grilled Eggplant (28 grams)
20 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 5mg 0% 2g 1% < 1g 4% < 1g 0g 0% 2% 0% 2%
Grilled Eggplant (28 grams)
10 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 3g 1% < 1g 4% 1g 0g 0% 2% 0% 2%
Grilled Eggplant (28 grams) Contains soy
10 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 3g 1% < 1g 4% < 1g 0g 0% 2% 0% 2%
Grilled Fennel (28 grams)
40 35 4g 6% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 410mg 17% 2g 1% < 1g 4% 0g 0g 2% 6% 2% 2%
Grilled Fresh Asparagus (79 grams)
25 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 25mg 1% 3g 1% 2g 8% 1g 2g 15% 10% 2% 4%
Grilled Fresh Asparagus (57 grams)
20 0 0.5g 1% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 130mg 5% 2g 1% 1g 4% < 1g 1g 10% 8% 2% 4%
Grilled Mexican Vegetables (112 grams)
50 25 2.5g 4% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 25mg 1% 7g 2% 1g 4% 4g 1g 15% 45% 2% 2%
Grilled Polenta (156 grams) Contains wheat, soy
200 110 12g 18% 2g 10% 0g 0mg 0% 160mg 7% 21g 7% 1g 4% 0g 2g 2% 0% 2% 8%
Grilled Scallions (79 grams)
90 60 7g 11% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 130mg 5% 7g 2% 2g 8% 2g 2g 20% 30% 8% 8%
Grilled Spanish Onions (28 grams)
35 25 2.5g 4% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 15mg 1% 3g 1% 0g 0% 1g 0g 0% 2% 2% 2%
Grilled Vegetable Rolls (57 grams) Contains soy
40 30 3.5g 5% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 70mg 3% 2g 1% < 1g 4% 1g 1g 20% 45% 2% 2%
Grilled Vegetables (85 grams)
60 45 5g 8% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 25mg 1% 5g 2% 1g 4% 3g 1g 15% 45% 2% 4%
Grilled Vegetables (85 grams)
100 80 9g 14% 1.5g 8% 0g 0mg 0% 150mg 6% 5g 2% 1g 4% 2g 1g 15% 45% 2% 4%
Grilled Vegetables (113 grams) Contains soy
35 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 80mg 3% 6g 2% 2g 8% 3g 1g 25% 120% 2% 4%
Grilled Yellow Squash (113 grams)
60 40 4.5g 7% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 25mg 1% 4g 1% 1g 4% 3g 1g 25% 20% 2% 2%
Grilled Zucchini (28 grams)
15 10 1g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 5mg 0% < 1g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0g 6% 6% 2% 2%
Grilled Zucchini (85 grams)
20 0 0g 0% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 0mg 0% 4g 1% 1g 4% 3g 1g 4% 8% 2% 2%
Grit Cakes with Red Onion (139 grams)
150 25 2.5g 4% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 250mg 10% 31g 10% 3g 12% 2g 3g 4% 4% 2% 10%
Hash Browned Potatoes (109 grams) Contains soy
140 40 4.5g 7% 1g 5% 0g 0mg 0% 90mg 4% 23g 8% 3g 12% 0g 2g 0% 15% 2% 2%
Hash Browned Potatoes (53 grams) Contains soy
130 60 7g 11% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 410mg 17% 15g 5% 2g 8% 0g 1g 0% 6% 2% 2%
Herbed Potatoes (113 grams)
150 50 6g 9% 0.5g 3% 0g 0mg 0% 220mg 9% 21g 7% 2g 8% < 1g 2g 2% 15% 2% 2%
Herbed Yukon Potatoes (113 grams)
110 15 1.5g 2% 0g 0% 0g 0mg 0% 230mg 10% 22g 7% 2g 8% < 1g 2g 0% 15% 2% 2%
Sunday, November 11th, 2012
2:04 pm
ws
M-Th
6-7w
7-9s
9-11w
11-2s
2-5w
5-7s
7-11w

F
6-7w
7-9s
9-11w
11-2s
2-5w
5-7s

S
11-1s
1-5w
5-7s

S
11-1s
1-5w
5-7s
7-11w

58w
43s
Monday, November 5th, 2012
8:23 pm
names for baby
vaughn emet
katie allen

aaron
abigail
adam
aeron
alex
alice
allen
angel
andrew
anne
anthony
april
apple
ariel
aria
august
austin
axle

quinn
quint...

x
Saturday, September 29th, 2012
4:57 pm
My back/neck doesn't hurt if I do this certain thing where i raise my arms up and over my head. I think it helps me stand up straight. But then I can't maintain it after I put my arms down.

I've been slowly reading the stupid pols chapter. I need to read through chapter 5 and also read some chapter in the other book, and then make posts tonight before 11:00. Then tomorrow I will do readings for phil, and also post again for pols, since you have to do it two days. Then on monday i will do span.

My neck is hurting again. Hate. I wish I had a brace. I wish I had a chair that went all the way up to head and was shaped right so that i could lean back and not be in pain. I'm going to go get more expensive food in 8 minutes. Then I'm going to go walk around the track.

Tomorrow the meal plan resets. I'm going to just get veganish stuff next week with the meal plan. Not really because i want to be vegan forever, because i haven't really decided about that, but because i'm trying to lose weight. 6 minutes.

I have 49 pages to read in this book, and then I don't know how long the chapter is in the other book. Suppose I can read a page in 5 minutes, like i could with the usgovt book. That's 245 minutes, or 4 hours. Then plus the other chapter, that could be another 3 hours perhaps. There isn't time. I'm going to have to read faster.
Wednesday, June 6th, 2012
10:17 am
I let the xanga go.
Sunday, April 29th, 2012
2:19 am
I said "yeah so the other day I was like..."
and he started saying, "ok I think I'm ready to go."
I kept talking because I had started talking first and I thought he would realize I was talking and listen to the rest of my sentence at least before saying goodbye. "'I'm gonna go to the gym and do those weight machine things!'"
But he just kept talking "bye" and then he hung up.
So I called again and left a message finishing my sentence.
He had done this several times in the past. I guess it indicates a basic lack of respect for me. That he'll just interrupt me in the middle of a sentence to say bye and hang up without letting me finish or say bye or anytthing.
And if I tell him frankly that he was being rude, he'll get mad.
Well anyway I just texted him and asked him why he did that, he said he didn't want to talk anymore, i said I was in the middle of a sentence, he said he didn't want to talk anymore because I brought up male privilege. (And then I replied and said that's why I changed the subject. He's not replying.)

I was talking about how I want to go to the gym but I know it's going to be awkward because some guy will probably try to flirt with me by asking if I need help with the machines, and I'll have to be careful how I turn him down because you never know which guy will go crazy from being rejected and then try to rape you. Jesse said something like "I never have to worry about that, as a man." I said "That's male privilege." He said "I know it definitely is. But I don't want to talk about that."
And that's where I said "yeah so the other day I was like...". To put the best possible spin on his behaviour, perhaps he didn't realize taht I was changing the subect.

He said the other day he hates hearing about male privilege because he feels like everyone who talks about it is accusing him of something. But that's not what privilege is; it's not an action you take. No one ever says it is. I think he really is misogynistic, because he doesn't seem to really listen to the arguments of feminism. If he did then he wouldn't have such stupid misunderstandings of it.

And I find him unbelievably ridiculous for abruptly hanging up on me just because I mentioned that topic for 3 words. He doesn't want to listen to me... He doesn't want to listen about feminism. Doesn't that make him seem misogynistic? But he's always doing that. You say one thing he doesn't like and instead of even just moving on and talking about somethig else he'll be like "I suddenly don't feel like talking anymore. Bye." He never wants to resolve anything. He just wants people who don't already agree with him to just keep quiet.
Friday, April 27th, 2012
11:50 am
letter....
I'm going to die sooner or live with more suffering because of his sexual "need". I'm disgusted that he prioritized that way. I agreed to it because well I guess I convinced myself that it was safe. But I don't really know. I think it's probably not. I think it has probably taken time off my life. And if I told him that he would say "so what". I know he would say that. Because HE doesn't care about being alive or living longer, so he thinks that that's the objectively correct desire. He thinks it's stupid to want to live longer. So that's why he prioritizes his stupid "needs" over mine. I think his desires are stupid. But he wouldn't stay with me if I neglected all of his desires. Even if I don't understand someone's desires, I take them seriously when they say they "really want" something. If it's something that doesn't hurt me, even if it conflicts with something I "kind of want", their stronger desire wins. But he doesn't listen to me when I say I really want something. I think he believes me that I want it, but he thinks that my desire is stupid. Not that it's something I don't have a right to, but that it's a stupid thing to want. He doesn't have a right to my body, I do. His desire is less than mine. But my desire is stupid, and his is reasonable. That's what he thinks. It comes up pretty often. I think it all just stems from the fact that he hates being alive and thinks that he is objectively correct that life is stupid and not worth living, so therefore I'm WRONG to want to live, so any desires connected to that should be disregarded. I hate him. I hate that he thinks that way and thinks his opinions are facts. I can't really conceive of it, so I can't imagine how he's thinking about it. I really wonder what it's like to believe that it's a fact that life is not worth preserving and therefore people's feelings who disagree with that don't matter. I can't conceive of it I can't.

It's like if you think that classical music is objectively good and all other music is objectively terrible, so you give a CD of classical music to a friend for their birthday even though they've already told you that they don't like classical music and they really like boy bands. You may somewhat enjoy giving someone a classical music CD, but their desire for a different kind of music should outweigh that. So if you disregard what the other person wants, what kind of person does that make you?
Saturday, April 14th, 2012
4:01 am
got my fucking hopes up
again
Thursday, April 12th, 2012
11:56 pm
I feel like I should be free to do whatever I want. Why do I feel trapped? Why am I forgetting what I'm even interested in? I felt free when I was younger. But now I'm feeling trapped into this fuckery of getting a job and shit and I don't know what to do.... There's a tiny path I'm supposed to follow, but I can't see it and I'm trapped in the game of trying to find it and never knowing if I'm going right, and anyway I don't want to be going there. But I need a job, I need to be able to support myself somehow. I don't care, I don't need a lot, I just need a roof over my head and food every day, and books, but books I can get from a library. But I don't want a job that sucks up all my energy and makes it where I can never get anything else done that I want to do. I don't want to work at fastfood. It's too exhausting.

I think I'm a smart person. I think I can do things. There should be something somehwere that I can do that won't exhaust me, will give me enough money, and leave me enough time to do what I want.

If only I were really interested in something that would lead to one of those nice jobs. But what I'm interested in is languages. Just learning languages. So what to do? Get a fucking Ph.D. in a language and box myself in to being a teacher forever? But I wouldn't have to do just that, I can do other things too. I don't know. I should really... I should just find a job that I can stand and then pursue my interests. That's all. And I can always be looking for a better job, but I'll never be done, I'll always be pursuing my interests.

At least that's how it should be. But that's not how it is now. I'm all caught up in trying to get "done" with something and I'm not thinking about what I really want to do.

I want to get out of here. That's one thing I'm sure I want.
5:10 am
I think I should make getting a job my first priority. Tomorrow I'm going to start applying for jobs all the time. There's a lot of places, right? Then after I get a job, then I'll pick up reading computer science again.
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